If you’ve ever met me, you know that I am helpful. I believe in change, growth, community action, and small steps leading to noticeable progress.
If you are anything like me, then you know that us helpful souls, strategic thinkers, or “very useful engines,” as my nephew’s formerly favorite show would call us; need boundaries.
Here are some things I’ve learned to say in order to keep my help “healthy.”
I have learned to define “healthy” as “sustainable.” This means asking myself, if I do this NOW, can I keep it up? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, that doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t do it. Maybe my availability to help on a monthly basis, rather than daily, is STILL helpful. If so, great.
I have learned that helpfulness requires flexible boundaries. For example, I may end up intervening in an emergency / exceptional situation where my help is NOT sustainable, but it is a temporary need that is appropriate to the situation, so I can step outside my standard boundaries without sacrificing my definition of help.
Because I am helpful, people may find me interesting. Either because I lend a supportive ear, have creative solutions, or because they themselves want new ideas for how to maximize their helpfulness without burning out. While it is fun to share those strategies, I can remind myself that I do not OWE anyone an explanation for my actions. Sharing does not need to operate as some sort of justification or “proof” that I did the right thing.
If I believe I can help someone, I do myself (and them) an extra service if I ASK them if they want help before even offering any advice or insight. This helps me avoid one of the most FASCINATING errors we make as humans: causing HARM when we mean to help someone. How can we stop that?
There are PROFESSIONAL helpers (mental health professionals, faith based leaders, community organizers, etc.) who organize their thoughts on helpful VERY well, and I can constantly learn from them. For example, the title of my post “Helping without Rescuing” is a concept that I learned through studying Dr. Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle. Dr. Karpman defines dramatic behavior using the term rescuing, among other terms, and then links resources to alternative forms of behavior.
My team and I teach people like you to support #metoo survivors, without rescuing them. We believe you have to help YOURSELF before you can help others, and that the best way to make sure you are ACTUALLY helpful to someone who has experienced trauma is to do YOUR OWN work.
We’d love to help you be more helpful. Learn more in our on — demand workshop, “Get Isabel Certified,” which offers a well — paced introduction to #metoo survivor support.
Anna Westbrook
AnnaWestbrook.com
IsabelandtheRunawayTrain.org