The theme of my day today was “expectation resetting.” Why? I did not sleep well.
Sleep is crucial to all of us. When I was younger, I found I could function quite well with four hours of sleep. This is no longer the case.
Ironically, part of the reason sleeplessness wasn’t a barrier for me in my 20s was that I had / have C-PTSD that shows up through both insomnia and workaholism, among other habits. So I just exhausted myself until I collapsed every day, slept a minimal amount, and did it again.
Since then, I have improved. And I am happy to say that I have been able to sleep much more consistently in the past year than ever before in my life. I do not feel that I have “solved” my sleep issues, but through relying on various psychological, and psychiatric tools…I have seen significant improvement. I am getting better.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to learn about my sleep habits without serving as a primary caretaker. To all of you parents, adult caregivers for parents, and professional caretakers out there, your sleep deprivation is on a different plane. I both applaud you and value your insight. I intend to be a parent one day and hope to learn from the life lessons of others who navigate the sleep deprivation of caregiving.
For now, despite my overall improvement, there are some nights where everything is just “off.” Last night was one of those nights.
Here is a list of what I expect from myself when I do not get enough sleep:
I have less of an appetite, but I need to eat regularly and above all: hydrate. I am more conscious about water intake when I don’t get enough sleep.
My face feels very, very dry. On a good day, my skin is dryer than average. When I don’t sleep enough, I can feel the additional discomfort immediately. This means reinforcing my “water, water, water” plan, using more face lotion, perhaps skipping makeup, and sometimes just expecting to feel a little gross until I get my next night of sleep.
I am able to accomplish many of my normal day — to — day tasks, BUT the quality of my execution is different. Sometimes better, sometimes work, sometimes just different. For example, when I sleep poorly, I do much better with administrative work, like uploading and reviewing business receipts, than I do creative production work like video editing. It’s not that I can’t do the creative work; but I am slower than normal, more nitpicky. I waste my own time redoing things that didn’t need redoing, and I don’t describe what I need as clearly if I’m collaborating with someone. Another example: I am able to lead meetings and workshop, but when I’m tired, I go sillier than usual. So, a sleepless day with a business meeting won’t go as well as a sleepless day with a creative workshop. Many participants just think I’m extra engaging and fun when I’m experiencing short term sleep deprivation.
People are able and willing to adapt for me. Many people, in my personal and professional life, understand and relate to how my skillset changes based on my access to sleep. For example, today, I led a meeting with our Isabel Online Community Coordinator, Mykkaela Garcia, and was very honest about my lack of sleep and how it would affect the meeting. We did a lot of admin work and postponed some video editing until I have a better night’s rest.
If you regularly experience short — term sleep deprivation, whether in association with chronic insomnia or just as part of your general experience, I am curious to know if you have noticed any differences in your body / skillset based on your access to sleep.
What expectations do you set with yourself and others based on your sleep needs?
Anna Westbrook
AnnaWestbrook.com
IsabelandtheRunawayTrain.org